Hello, Trailblazer!

This past Thursday I was at a hotel in Indianapolis heading out mid-morning to walk around downtown and find a place for breakfast. The friendly bellhops cautioned me that it was going to be hot and humid. I told them I was from Texas so I was used to it, and they waved the air and said I wouldn’t have any trouble with the weather at all. We were right. The walk was enjoyable and the breakfast was delicious.

Bringing Neuroscience into Coaching
Indianapolis was the site of this year’s ICF Midwest Regional Conference for coaches. Top executive coach Marshall Goldsmith provided the opening and closing keynotes. Many of the sessions were either primarily about neuroscience or included meaningful sections on neuroscience related to sustainable long-term change. Rich, delicious material for a psychology nerd like me who is excited about helping people take charge of their lives, design a future they authentically desire, and develop the capacity to make it happen.

Communication and Connection were recurring themes in the presentations. They were also recurring themes in the experience we attendees had. Resistance to change is more likely when we are closed down, rigid, set in our ways, and protective. Change is more likely when we are open to new perspectives, feel valued and supported, and experience being genuinely heard and “felt” by others in engaged community. Neuroscience shows us a lot about why this is so.

Set the Stage Neurochemically for Communication and Connection

If you are interested in communicating openly with people to establish a connection so you can come to agreement and cooperate, the pointers below are for you. If you are interested in ways to push or persuade others to your side, they won’t work. In order for the biology-driven processes of connection to benefit mutual understanding and agreement, both, or all, parties have to be open to experiencing connection. And that requires valuing the other person and their perspectives and opinions nearly as much as you value your own.

Positive Emotions
Barbara Fredrickson’s research on Positive Emotions and Positivity Resonance has demonstrated the function of Positivity for human survival and points to applications we can all include. When you savor Positive Emotions you shift your mind to a more expansive perspective or conceptual field. The perceived distinctions between you and others drop and the sense of similarity increases until a sense of oneness is felt. This is amplified in Positivity Resonance, when two people in conversation share Positive Emotions through an engaging story one is telling or by talking about shared experiences or values.

There are many long-term benefits to cultivating a habit of savoring and sharing Positivity, this experience of Positive Emotions. Socially an increase in Positivity leads to an increase in positive experiences with others, more meaningful friendships, richer relationships overall, and a social attractiveness that draws people to you. Physically it leads to improved long-term health outcomes, may increase lifespan, and seems to be a great counter to the well-known long-term health impact of stress.

Neurochemically Positivity and Positivity Resonance release oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” and can trigger dopamine, which is related to enjoyable experiences, especially feeling rewarded. Oxytocin shifts the entire neurological system (it’s not just the brain in your skull, but that’s an separate set of posts) throughout your body to be open to relating with others. Dopamine adds enjoyment to the experience so you desire it in the future. When you prepare yourself by savoring Positivity and experiencing Positivity Resonance, and include invitations for the other person or people to do the same, you invite oxytocin and dopamine to the connection party.

Generative Approach from Appreciative Inquiry
Appreciative Inquiry is an approach that grew out of the field of Organization Development but can be applied to people in all sorts of relationships. Instead of taking a problem-based, “What went wrong here?” or “How do we fix this?” approach, Appreciative Inquiry asks, “What is possible?” and “What can we create?”

Because an optimistic, positive, cooperative approach prompts people to expect good things and experience positive memories of past successes and envision positive outcomes, it triggers the same neurochemistry as experiencing Positivity. In fact, it probably evokes Positivity. Because it calls for people to work together, it asks for a mindset of “How are we alike?” which leads to thoughts of similarities that trigger oxytocin. Yes, just by exploring the Inquiry “How can we come together in a positive way for a mutually positive outcome?” you will trigger the neurochemicals that lead to Positivity and openness.

Using Names
People respond with Positive Emotions to hearing their names in conversation — unless it’s Mom yelling and including their middle name! Although it’s a ‘technique’ taught for remembering someone’s name when you meet them and for quickly creating a sense of connection taught in sales training, it can be an authentic thing to do. Use people’s names in conversation, and be sure to start out by greeting people by name.

Physical Contact
When you greet people, include socially appropriate, mutually comfortable physical contact. Physical contact is generally a pleasant experience for people if it is presented with kindness and openness as an expression of enjoying seeing the person — or even delight. This triggers oxytocin and shifts the mindset to a positive expectation, or can be a rewarding experience in itself, which triggers dopamine.

Obviously, aggressive handshakes can be power plays, and some people don’t like much if any physical contact. Be clear on whether the other person or people are comfortable with handshakes, a hand on the arm or shoulder, or some level of hug. If you are comfortable with some physical contact and the other person is, too, it opens you up for connection.

Smile and Make Eye Contact
While talking with people, shaking hands, or touching the arm or shoulder, be sure to smile and make eye contact. Smiles generate Positive Emotions in people and prompt the release of oxytocin if they are genuine. You have to feel your smile inside for it to be read as a genuine smile by others. Warm eye contact is a rewarding experience for most people and also triggers the release of oxytocin and dopamine. For some people physical contact, eye contact, and a genuine smile will trigger the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the calming system to counter the fight, flight, or freeze response. Smiles and warm eye contact can lead to Positivity Resonance by itself, and in other cases open people up to experience Positivity Resonance.

Humor, Whimsy, and Light-Heartedness
At the conference I met a coach who was recently certified as a Laughter Yoga instructor. Yes, that’s a thing. This woman has called into a conference line to be with others who gather just to laugh. Telling silly jokes is helpful, but not necessary, to get people laughing. Just asking them to laugh with you and starting to laugh will work. A good way to begin laughing is to say, “Ho ho, ha ha ha,” with a little bit of a rhythm. If people are willing to laugh, this works quickly. Since she taught us that in a group exercise, it became my greeting to her when I saw her.

Laughter has been shown to trigger the release of dopamine, the reward chemical, and endorphins, the natural high, pain-suppressing chemical. And all this happens from behavior, without any other social lubricant!

Personal Presence

The way you present yourself, the attitude you have towards another person and your expectations of the interaction, can trigger different neurochemical responses in them. If you come from a place of openness, curiosity, and acceptance, your nonverbal cues, physical messages, and other means of sending information will tell that person you are safe and trustworthy. Chemically this triggers oxytocin and possibly other chemicals like serotonin which regulates mood, confidence, and comfort. If you come from a place of competition or power, the other person can sense that and will raise barriers. This releases cortisol, the stress hormone, which closes them off to connection.

Presence in large part is about your posture, your expression, where you focus attention, how you regard physical space, and how you make physical contact. It includes your pattern and rhythm of speaking and tone of voice. But people seem to be able to pick up on things about another person when there aren’t many, or any, of these indicators, or they ‘sense’ things that are contrary to the other indicators. They just “know” something about another person. How is that possible?

Telepathy?
A human being can pick up aspects of the mental and emotional state of another person without contact or words. This goes even beyond observation of their gestures and posture or listening to the tone of their voice. We can thank mirror neurons and possibly the electromagnetic field created by the nervous system.

Mirror neurons were discovered after research with monkeys but are strongly believed, from functional studies of the brain, to exist in people, too. Somehow mirror neurons give the capacity to see a behavior (and mood and thought are behaviors) in another and trigger a neurological response in oneself that is very similar to what the person is experiencing. They were first noted when a monkey observing another monkey reaching for food or water showed the same activity in his brain, simply by observing, that the active monkey showed.

This suggests when we have information from some source letting us know what is going on with another person, that experience is replicated to a degree in us. This would be foundational to empathy, the ability to share in the experience of another person by observing, hearing, or imagining what they are experiencing, without actually doing the same thing.

There’s another area of research, newer and less developed, that suggests maybe information comes to the mirror neuron system from the other person to us that triggers the mirror neurons to generate the resonant experience in us. Although the pathway is not clearly known, when two people are in close proximity, nearer than ten feet or maybe closer, they can detect one another’s heartbeat or even heart rhythm. This effect becomes clear when physiological measurements are made of people experiencing Positivity Resonance. While two people experiencing a close connection, the EKG (heart rhythm) pattern of one can be detected in the EEG (brain wave pattern) of the other.

How does this work? Though it’s not known, it is clear that our ability to measure EEG tells us that an electromagnetic field created by the brain’s activity can penetrate the skull. It’s measured by electrodes on the scalp. If the electromagnetic field extends beyond the body, and if it is the result of neurological activity, why wouldn’t another person’s neurological system be able to detect it? Decode it, at least partially? And replicate the experience of the other person through the mirror neuron system in us?

Although the idea of picking up someone’s “energy field” would have sounded like “woo woo” a few years back, we actually seem to be at the point of measuring what sort of energy is in that field and what it contains. Imagine a scientific, physiology-based explanation for empathy and even ‘knowing’ what someone is thinking. We may be close.

A Deeper Understanding of Communication
Just wondering – if the subject line of this newsletter had been the same as the title above, about Communication and Connection instead of Agreement and Cooperation, would it have changed your level of interest? I had my doubts. I thought Agreement and Cooperation would be more broadly appealing and relevant. I get excited by the ‘how’ of mental and relational processes and come alive when we’re talking about connecting on a deep, meaningful level. Most people seem to be interested in the practical effects without digging into the reasons.

In my view of things, communication is about having a level of open connection. It’s not just about information flowing, making sure the report is well crafted or the presentation is precise. It’s about an intention to invoke in you the thoughts, feelings, perspectives, and global experience that I’m having. The closer you come to my experience, the better the communication. Neurochemistry is a big part of making that happen. Probably so are mirror neurons and the neurological system’s electromagnetic field.

Apply it: Come up with one single habit you can cultivate to set the neurochemical stage in your interactions with people. It can be thoughtfully using people’s names, smiling regularly, or making eye contact. It can be thinking mindfully about your intention for how you want other people to perceive you in a situation so you can put yourself in the mood and mindset before walking into a room. It can be laughing every day and getting easier with laughter. Choose the one for you and try it for thirty days. Reflect on it and keep track daily a few times a week, or weekly, whatever works for you. Share your results!

May you cultivate openness, connection, and cooperation on your trail.

Take Care,

Stephen Coxsey, MA, PCC
Professional Certified Coach (ICF)
Self Development and Leadership Development

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About Steve Coxsey

Steve collaborates with his clients to design and implement a customized plan for success, fulfillment, and well-being for themselves and the people they lead. They thrive on a personally meaningful path and promote a culture of thriving wherever they are in charge.

Steve is a supportive ally to his clients. They are people in charge who have to juggle competing responsibilities in a variety of roles. They have a compelling vision of what they would like to create or accomplish as leaders in their businesses, work lives, or personal lives and are committed to turning their vision into reality. To make that happen, they develop the agilities of leadership to be able to empower and direct themselves, design and guide meaningful work, and inspire others.

Would you like that to be you?

Are you ready for a creative, dynamic, collaborative partnership focused on turning your vision into results?

Get started with a no-risk 30-40 minute consultation. It’s complimentary, so all it will cost you is a little bit of time. You can schedule the complimentary call using this online tool. You can also call 817-416-8971 or e-mail Steve@SteveCoxsey.com to set up the call.

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