Hello, Whole Life Leader

Monday night my older son and I were at a burger joint sports bar called Peace Burger watching the Cowboys beat the Cardinals on Monday Night Football. Near the end, I wondered if my younger son away at college had gotten back from his flag football game and was able to see any of the Cowboys’ game, so I texted him.

Actual Text Thread

Me: Are you watching the Cowboys?

Him: Nope, working on homework

Me: I’m glad you’re being diligent but you missed a fun game. And we missed you when we went to peace Burger to watch the second half of the game.

Him: Priorities (with an emoji that looked like a sigh)

Me: I appreciate that

Him: Thats what you taught me

Me: I tried!!

Him: Seems to be working

Me: (smiley face emoji with a halo)

Him: Thanks pops

What I realized
First, I was really happy he seems to be taking his school work seriously. I’ve noticed that other times we’ve texted, and I noticed that earlier in the month when I visited him.

Then I thought about how I had taught him that. It was through consistent choices and a clear message over many years. Early on I would say, “Work first, play second,” but later noticed that came across as “Do all your work first before you get to play.” So I changed it up so that responsibility was the priority before entertainment.

It got even more balanced as he got older, when I would help him plan out his exam study schedule, for example. I encouraged him to figure out a reasonable amount of time he could focus on studying before taking a break, decide how long a break would be, and get specific about what he would do on the break. We included physical activity, fun, and sometimes just “mental breaks.” The overall idea was to make handling responsibilities effectively the priority.

He’s doing better than I was!
Then I realized I kind of felt sorry for him. I mean, it was a Cowboys game! Monday Night Football! Then I felt a little embarrassed that my college age son was being responsible while I was out having a good time.

That’s probably because I have been indulging in just a tiny little bit of self-pity in the past few weeks when I’m handling boring chores. I have been cleaning out old clothes from my closet and dresser to donate since I’ve lost some weight. Tedious! And I’ve been sorting through lots things in the home office that also serves as a storage shed for things I’m not sure where to put. Sorting to give away or throw out. So many boring decisions.

The sort of thing I have to keep learning
Later on, I thought about how my steady, consistent choices had laid the foundation for my son to develop some helpful habits he was using in college. I compared that to my resistance to sorting and organizing and figured out that if I had been organizing things on a regular basis, especially in the home office, I wouldn’t have piles of things to go through.

Steady, consistent choices would have served me well. So I’m going to preach a little — to myself. You’re welcome to listen in.

There’s Value in the Tedious

Organizing is boring. It’s mundane. It isn’t sexy.

You know what’s sexy? Improvisation is. Plus it’s exciting, and it’s different.

Improvisation relies on careful preparation
But improvisation flows from the preparation of organizing, planning, and rehearsing very carefully. It is best expressed by someone who knows many detailed patterns and examples of the thing being improvised, whether that’s a speech, an acting role, a musical performance, or a presentation to a group. Experience with those patterns is the result of organizing, planning, rehearsing, and performing repeatedly.

An athlete can improvise in the moment by quickly evaluating how the planned play is going, reading the situation, and choosing an alternate path or technique. But the athlete has to have practiced that path or technique dozens, or even hundreds, of times to be successful implementing it in the moment.

Creative cooking relies on orderly methods
Experienced cooks and chefs can pull together ingredients to create a delicious dish, without a recipe. Some are even committed to varying what they produce on a regular basis, experimenting a little bit each time. They can do this successfully because they have practiced multiple preparation techniques, worked with all sorts of ingredients in various combinations, and gotten comfortable with a variety of cooking styles. Plus they have the experience of working with lots of recipes repeatedly, even if they vary them. The skills, knowledge of ingredients, and experience with recipes gives them the foundation to know what is likely to work in the moment.

In addition, chefs are trained in “mise-en-place” in culinary school. This is a French term for “everything in its place.” There are precise standards for each station within the kitchen such that any trained person should be able to stand at that station and know exactly where to reach for exactly what she or he wants. With this level of organization and preparation, very little time has to be spent on looking for tools or ingredients, so mental space is freed up for creative planning.

Creative writing relies on commitment to daily production
Some creative writers can enter a state of mind where they just “let the story flow.” Some even write for discovery, to find out what happens in the story. Even if they have major plot points planned out, they can be surprised at what ideas and events appear as they write. But this ability to immerse in the writing experience is built on a foundation of facility with language, mastering word smithing, and knowing story craft, from how to express characters’ challenges and growth to how to incorporate universal symbols into the theme.

And the story often doesn’t just “flow.” Sometimes not much shows up for the writer. The flow experience can happen some of the time when a writer has a dedicated practice of sitting down to write, whether the output is astounding or lean, brilliant or dull. By committing to developing the language skills and committing to the process of a regular writing practice, the writer has the opportunity to experience those amazing episodes of creative flow.

Chop Wood, Carry Water
I think organizing may be a sacred act. At least it can be. Monks and nuns in various religious traditions participate daily in the basic, simple acts of taking care of and putting order to their environment. Through these daily chores, they learn lessons that become wisdom.

With a daily habit of prayerful meditation, they also organize the thoughts, moods, and emotions they encounter within themselves by observing, recognizing, naming, and acknowledging them. Organizing the outer world resonates with organizing the inner world. The discipline of work contributes to the discipline of the mind. The discipline of the mind allows the integration of the inner world, which is the path to spiritual development.

Organizing isn’t sexy. But I can make it sacred. And it can help me discipline myself and develop myself to be more prepared to do the things I want to be able to do, including all sorts of creative improvisation.

Lead it forward: Is there something you’ve been feeling a little sorry for yourself because you have to do that’s boring? Take the opportunity to look at it in a new way. What’s the upside? Where’s the benefit? Think long-term, not just in the moment. Look for the principle you are honoring or the value you are expressing as you do that boring, unpleasant, or annoying thing. You can change your relationship to it by changing your perspective.

Oh no! What if this applies to cleaning house?? I sure hope my wife doesn’t read this.

May you be well, may you do well, and may you Thrive!

Take Care,

Stephen Coxsey, MA, LPC, PCC
Whole Life Leadership Coach

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About Steve Coxsey

Steve collaborates with people to design and implement a customized Whole Life Leadership plan that promotes success, fulfillment, and well-being for themselves and the people they lead and influence. They thrive on a personally meaningful path and promote a culture of thriving wherever they are in charge, from families to professions, from small businesses to organizations.

Steve is a supportive ally. His typical clients have to juggle competing responsibilities in a variety of roles. They have a compelling vision of what they would like to create or accomplish as leaders in their families, careers, or businesses and are committed to turning their vision into reality. To make that happen, they develop the Leadership Agilities that will enable them to empower and direct themselves, design and guide meaningful work, and inspire others.

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